


Where is a Rampaging Orc Pack When You Need One?

by meh_guh



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 07:45:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3008075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meh_guh/pseuds/meh_guh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aragorn had thought Legolas and Gimli were a charming romantic comedy lighting up the dark. But the <i>noises</i>...</p><p>Surely there's at least one orc hanging around who could come and try to kill him to save him from the noises?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where is a Rampaging Orc Pack When You Need One?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [I_is_a_freak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_is_a_freak/gifts).



> The working title for this was 'Legolas/Gimli Boning Makes Aragorn Cry Tears of Blood'. End notes for the conversation which inspired this.

Aragorn had spent the first few weeks after Rivendell privately smirking and making imaginary wagers with Arwen about when Legolas and Gimli would realise why they were so antagonistic towards each other.

It had been hilarious, even in the wake of Moria and the splitting of the Fellowship. One bright spark of dependability in the middle of so much darkness: the blossoming love and the shared horror at their predicament. But after three nights chasing after Pippin and Merry, three nights with nothing and no one to distract the pair from each other Aragorn was prepared to run screaming into the orc pack unclothed to escape the blasted _noises_.

They weren't _loud_ , but the hushed wet sounds and breathy laughs were just loud enough to ruin any chance Aragorn had of sleeping.

Aragorn pulled his cloak up to wrap it around his head, but he could _still_ hear Legolas's breathless Sindarin expletives. Gimli growled something in Khuzdul in return, and Aragorn had never been gladder of anything than he was of the fact he'd never studied the dwarf language.

****

The next day, after Aragorn had pressed his ear to the ground and strained to hear orcish footsteps rather than Legolas's teasing flirtations and Gimli's gruff return volley; after they'd run past sundown in the hopes of catching up on the pack, Aragorn took himself off to gather firewood.

He took his time about the task, examining herbs and wildlife spoor rather than return to a campsite dripping with fresh love, but eventually he'd gathered enough boughs he felt obliged to return.

Legolas, craned over a grinning Gimli, leapt back when Aragorn re-emerged into the clearing, long fingers smoothing his hair back into elven perfection.

Aragorn stoically kept his attention focussed on builing a fire sufficient to prepare dinner and warn off predators, yet small enough not to alert the orcs of their presence.

It was a task which absolutely required his full attention.

He fed careful twigs into the flames for a long time, humming the Song of Beren and Luthien in an attempt to drown out the noises coming from the shadows outside the firelight. He got as far as Luthien calling back the Spring when there was an almighty cracking sound, then the unmistakable sound of a body collapsing to the ground.

Aragorn shot to his feet, sword in hand and already turning to keep watch for where the attack was coming from.

'Durin's _beard!_ ' Gimli shouted, and Aragorn glanced over to see him bent over Legolas's unconscious form. 'I didnae mean-'

'Gimli!' Aragorn snapped. 'To me! We can tend to his wounds when the attackers are dead.'

'Attackers?' Gimli said. 'I just gave the towering ninny a love tap and he dropped like dross down a shaft!'

Aragorn blinked and lowered his sword. 'You knocked Legolas out?'

'Aye,' Gimli set about tenderly shifting Legolas's sprawled form so he wouldn't cramp. 'I had no idea elf skulls were so _soft_. Is it the same wi' Men?'

Aragorn glanced sadly at the quiet forest. An orc pack – a _small_ one – would not have been unwelcome.

They were interrupted by Legolas's groan and a string of Silvan curses that brought a grin to Aragorn's lips. Gimli stooped over Legolas to grip him by the arms and stare at him.

'I'm sorry,' Gimli said, gruff voice unusually soft as he cradled one hand against Legolas's head. 'It was meant to be a love tap-'

Legolas laughed and shook his head with a small wince. 'I suppose it's payback for the things I said about you to your father the year Bard slew the dragon.'

Aragorn and Gimli both froze, then Gimli fisted his hands and set them on his hips. ' _WHAT_ YOU SAY, LADDIE?'

Legolas winced at the volume and Aragorn cast a hopeful glance towards the night. Surely _something_ would hear that outburst and save him from this?

Legolas shifted to kneel and let out a light laugh. 'Surely your father told you it was I who captured him and the Company of Thorin Oakenshield?'

'Aye,' Gimli narrowed his eyes and leaned in closer. 'But _you_ just said you insulted me to him.'

'Well, yes,' Legolas tried to catch Aragorn's eye, an air of “dwarves: they're all mad” hanging around him. 'He was carrying a pair of portraits that looked like deformed goblins. Naturally I was curious as to why.'

' _ **DEFORMED-**_ ' Gimli threw his hands in the air. ' _ **YOU CALLED ME A DEFORMED GOBLIN?!**_ '

Legolas rolled to his feet only to bend almost double to glare directly into Gimli's eyes. 'And why shouldn't I have? The portrait looked like the work of a blind drunk with access only to the browns in his paintbox. And an uncharitable opinion of his subjet.'

' _ **MY MOTHER PAINTED THAT PORTRAIT!**_ '

Legolas straightened with a pout and Aragorn turned to beat his head against a tree. 'Well perhaps you really did spend your youth resembling a deformed goblin, how am I to know?'

Aragorn abandoned his hopes of an attack and fled into the dark forest to do an extremely-wide perimeter circuit.

When he returned to the camp, the fight was over but the absolution was in full voice and full force. Aragorn curled up on his sleeping roll and tried to wish his hearing away for the night.

****

The Enemy was destroyed, the Fellowship reunited (with the sad exception of Boromir), Arwen Undomiel had taken his hand, and the people of Gondor had taken him as their king. It was the sort of ending the epic songs did not dare to contemplate, yet here he was, living through such times.

Aragorn smiled wide and lifted his goblet to his mouth, but a snippet of conversation across the high table gave him pause.

'Oh yes,' Bilbo Baggins was saying, voice a little wistful and distant. 'I remember well the dwarven _love tap_ -'

' _Uncle!_ ' Frodo laughed, and Aragorn turned to observe his friends.

'Pish posh, Frodo,' Bilbo replied, eyes twinkling. 'It was a long and lonely road to the Lonely Mountain.'

'Mister _Bilbo!_ ' Pippin exclaimed, half climbing onto the table to gape at the old hobbit. 'You don't mean to say-'

'I _mean_ to say, Peregrin Took,' Bilbo raised his goblet. 'Exactly what I _am_ saying: that I have many warm memories of almost every member of the Company. Excluding your dear father, Gimli my lad, and excluding Gandalf-'

'Thank the Valar,' Aragorn said before he could stop himself, and the high table roared with laughter.

'Not that I would have refused him,' Bilbo's grin as he turned to nod at Aragorn and then at _Gandalf_ was an expression Aragorn knew would haunt him. 'But he was forever rushing off. And the dwarves were a much nicer size.'

Aragorn reminded himself that he was now in fact the crowned king of Gondor, and as such beating himself unconscious with the table would be beneath his dignity. Even if he _was_ being subjected to the greatest heroes of the Age catcalling and hooting like a band of drunks at a seaside tavern. Even Gandalf was cheering Bilbo on.

'Thorin's nephews were certainly appealing,' Legolas said, draping himself over Gimli to grin at Bilbo. 'And the burly one with the tattoos had a certain... air, now I think back on it. Did you have them serially or in combination?'

'Oh, we fucked just about every way there _is_ to fuck by the time we parted company,' Bilbo flagged a gaping server down for a refill. When Aragorn glanced around, he was dismayed but unsurprised to see that many of the staff had gathered close enough to listen. 'I could tell you stories-'

Aragorn was unable to stop himself letting out a noise, and Arwen leaned in to place her hand on his forearm. She gave it a comforting squeeze and pressed her lips to his ear. 'I too have heard many tales of the prowess and physical endowments of dwarves, my love. Bilbo lived in my father's house for many seasons. It would please me greatly to share them with you tonight.'

Aragorn turned to glare his betrayal at her.

'-and by that time it was butter for lubrication or butter to eat,' Bilbo was saying, hands flapping in descriptive gestures Aragorn would rather die than understand. 'So it was me and Bombur against the rest of the horny buggers, but luckily we passed a farm the next day and could trade for oil.'

'But...' Pippin had turned his attention to Gimli. 'How on Earth did it _fit_? I'm guessing they're proportional?'

'I wouldn't like to try it with a Man,' Merry agreed, shooting Aragorn an _utterly unnecessary_ quelling glance. 'But dwarves are not so much bigger than hobbits.'

'You think so?!' Gimli jumped to his feet, hands going to his trousers. 'Well let's have it out then!'

Pippin and Merry stood too, along with Bilbo so Aragorn did the only thing he could think of: had the entire High Table arrested.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a conversation on Tumblr which I saved but neglected to note who it was with, ~~so if it was you let me know so I can gift.~~ corrected!  <3 MMC!
> 
> Or a hobbit dwarf and misjudges how hard the other party's skull is (I really want Gimli knocking Legolas right the fuck out in a tender moment bc ~cultural differences~ and Legolas is all "...well, I guess I deserve that for what I said about you to your dad when you were a kid" and Gimli is all "WHAT U SAY LADDIE???" and then angry yelling and tHEN make-up sex three feet away fro where Aragorn has his fingers stuffed in his ears and is humming some elven song to ignore the boning)  
> ahahahaha, oh god. I'm super writing LOTR/Hobbitfic with Aragorn grimly glaring at a tree while Gimli headbutts and then fucks Legolas and eventually Bilbo tells him horrifying stories at his coronation about how yeah, in HIS DAY Bilbo got headbutted and then fucked by the entire Company. In multiple configurations, and then Bilbo goes off on a reminiscence tangent about relative cock sizes and skills while Aragorn clutches his wine and screams silently for release from This Cruel Life.  
> Also Arwen knows what's going on and spends the first half of their wedding night whispering reminders about dwarven cocks in hobbits to make Aragorn groan and cry blood.


End file.
